53. - rant

I can't tell you the extent of last night, but I can tell you that it wasn't pretty where I left it. He had so much anger toward me and I don't even know what I did to set the bomb off in him, but it exploded. From what I know, it only escalated from what I was involved in, into complete rage.
In a way I'm glad he got things off his chest and let it all out, be it in such an angry way, I'm still glad he finally spoke about it. The only regret I have is not being there to comfort him. Even if I was available, he still doesn't trust me enough to let his pride down and just talk to me. I can't be mad at that though.
There's a plethora of things that occurred last night that happen to hit a certain sensitive spot to me. I can't be completely honest with myself or others about the details, but I'll try my best to cover most of it.

The fact that none of the people in that chat had the balls to type anything that was remotely close to the truth to stop me and Carm from arguing about that bullshit just hit me hard. They were all witnesses to it, yet I was the only one who got the shit end of the stick for it. Apologies don't make up for it either. I don't know how I feel about it all anymore.

There's a pretty nice handful of people that'd like to "help" save the world, or someone else's, yet they still disregard their actions toward that person or thing, not even realizing that YOU could be the one adding on a hell of a lot of baggage to their stress level. But you want to help right? You wish you could do anything in your power to help heal them, but you can't pick your head out of your ass for a tiny fragment of a second to stop whining about irrelevant bullshit to realize that the person you care about is hurting, and the fact that you can't stop being so self-indulged, you have no idea that part of the fact they're stress. Call me crazy but, I'm just taking a wild guess here.

The fact that you couldn't open up to me makes me uneasy. I know its something sacred to you and I know its hard to get your feelings out anyway, but you know I'm always someone that's easy to talk to. You never hesitate to speak to me about anything, and by you still continuing to put up a front about things, hurts me. You know I've only wanted the best for you and I've only wanted to be here for you throughout your toughest times, but I can't help you if you can't help me.

At this point right now, I'm finding it hard to confide in anyone. I'm always chasing the people I care about to break down to me, but who is there when I need someone around? I'm at the point where my guards are up and I'm back to fighting off every emotion in the book. I should start being selfish like all the rest of you. Only caring about me, me, me. If you people wanted to push me away, congratulations.

Let's get started.