58.

The more I talk to someone about my father possibly passing away, I start feeling better. Not in the sense that once something happens, I wont have emotion or reaction to it, but in the sense that I'll be at ease and know how to handle the situation. I guess that's all I needed, someone to listen. Too bad it can't come in a pre-order package off the Internet. Wouldn't that be nice? Someone that could console you and tell you everything is going to be okay no matter what. I needed someone to be there and obviously, like most things, I had to handle it myself.

I've recently removed a big distraction from my life. Mostly because in the heat of the moment, I didn't want anything to do with it anymore. I was just so upset, and so frustrated that, none of the bullshit mattered anymore. I was done. I didn't need apologies or sympathy from anyone. I just needed someone to listen. So, to my Y! list, sorry to say but, I will no longer be using it until further notice. I know that a majority of us probably don't have much conversation outside of Y! bounds, so I know I'll probably lose touch with a good amount of you. Well, most of you actually. Except for the ones who intend on being in my life, and make an actual effort to at least text me every so often. But hey, I guess I ask for too much, right? Someone to listen to me and text me sometimes? Man. I should lower my standards.

I had a conversation with Tylan a while ago about phone calls and who calls whom. And I discovered that on average, I call at least 10 people every night - just out of the kindness of my heart. Do you know how many of those 10 people ACTUALLY answer, like.. ever? 1-2. Tylan laughed when I confronted him on this. So most nights I go to bed the same way. It gets tired after a while. I'm really so sick of caring about you people so much. I really am. If your lives are so much better without me in them, consider me gone. If I stop talking to you one random day, its because you've shown me you don't care enough to keep me around.

I called Lewis the other night I was upset because hey, I've known Lewis since I was 13, he's a good person to talk to whenever I need someone there. I called. He didn't answer. Surprise. He called back an entire day later. "So um, you called??" Was it a surprise, Lewis? I told him what I was upset about and he started to make me feel better, until he hung up on me. Don't get me wrong, I understand dying phones and accidents, so I wasn't really upset about it. Well, he hasn't talked to me since that conversation. Not to see how I was doing. Not even a text to tell me what happened. Nothing.

GAH.

Anyways, I had a jolly weekend. Spent time with my lover of course. Surprise phone call from Rome <3, which is always lovely no matter what. I'll say that it was a pretty good end to my week. I needed the break. My mommy comes back in 2 days. I miss her. Things are pretty quiet around here without the vacuum going.. or the sink water running.. or the sound of her putting dishes away. I hear she bought me Betsey earrings though! She's so lovely.

I'm pretty sure today was a rough day for me. 3 1/2 hours of sleep doesn't cut it - AT ALL. I recommend you never do such things. I'm dead today. And my LV report wasn't even as good as I wanted it to be. I guess it was my fault for putting it off until the last minute. Oh well. I'm probably going to go take a napperoni.


Holla front! ;D