sixtyone.

Yes, yes yall. I know we're through with reading about my lame complaints and things, but bare with me this last time. I promise it'll all be over. Well, despite the school complaints, nothing else will furthermore worry me.

Dang - just lost my train of thought..

OH, okay.. lets proceed..

I know there will be days things wont work out in my favor, I know through all this mess of a life, I'll learn an important lesson. I'm losing and winning all in one setting. Losing people I care about, winning clarity. There's extreme measures I'm taking to reach some type of happiness. Especially compromising with Jerome on this entire thing we're doing. As nothing is ever set in stone, I know I can walk out of what we have without a regret. I know what it is and vice versa. ANYWHO, getting distracted.

You ever lay in your bed with that one song on repeat for hours, just thinking? Trying to get a grip of what reality you live in? Trying to find all the answers and explanations to everything? Life in general? That was my life two hours ago. So, while in bed, I stared at the ceiling, just counting my breaths and clearing my mind. Wondering what got me to this point in my life. How I got so down about things. Replaying events over and over again to find some hidden message I missed somehow, and I came up with nothing. I hide a lot of emotion from people around me. I can't remember the last time I actually hugged my mom. I love my family with everything in my heart, but I can't find it in me to be vulnerable to them. I guess its because I've got this feeling of being so strong for them. I feel like I've got to be the rock of the family and console them whenever they pour their hearts out. I guess it may not seem like I have issues with this to a lot of you because I usually express myself to most of you. Its easier to talk to someone you've never met about your life because 9 out of 10 times they'll never see the reality of it. You only get to read and hear about it.

To all the people reading, if I've hurt you in the past, I'm sorry. If I've ever made you angry, I'm sorry. I need to apologize to you to forgive myself. For all the mistakes I've made, I do not regret, I'm just sorry for them. I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given. I wish there was a way I could make up for all the words I've said out of pure anger. There's just some things you can't change. But I can change me.

There's a lot of complications I'm liable to work out on my own terms. I'll get there. No matter what it takes.