xx.

I make it a point to pretend my father doesn't exist. Sometimes I regret it, and sometimes it doesn't even phase me. I don't even recognize him as my father anymore. Does this make me a terrible piece of him? I am made up of half that man's DNA. Without the help of him, I wouldn't exist. Although I am thankful for my life and blessings, there has not been enough love and forgiveness in the world to pretend like this man doesn't destroy dreams and things unimaginable.

Sometimes I get sad about it. I start remembering the way we all used to laugh together. He used to love us so tightly and protect us from whatever the world threw our way. We used to go on adventures in the mountains and have sleepovers in my parent's room whenever we could. We used to be a family. We'd sing and dance all Saturday morning while sweet 90s jams played throughout the house. I used to think he was my hero.

The last time I remember having a verbal conversation with him was on my 18th birthday. Before that, I was 14. That was also the last time I saw him in person. There's been so much I've pushed away and swore myself to forget about, I don't even remember how terrible he turned out to be. I can't even recall events or specifics about the way things ended. I just knew I wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

Tomorrow is his 44th birthday. All I can think about is how much he missed. My sister and I are all grown up now and he missed every moment of it. As time goes on, I just feel sorry that he can't ever say he's been of significance in how I was raised. He doesn't get to be proud of me or brag to his friends about me. He won't get to see me graduate, marry or have children. Partially because I have no desire for him to be involved and because his health is deteriorating too. Here I am, growing up so rapidly and he has no idea about the person I am. He has no knowledge of who I've turned out to be. All he's seen is pictures of me and how I resemble my mother the older I get. He doesn't know me at all. And that's what I get sad about. He may never get the chance to know me. He already gave up his chance to raise me. What more?