o3.

As if my life couldn't possibly get any more complicated than it already is; today had to happen.

I'm so sick and tired of feeling so alone and so misunderstood. I long for something I can't possibly come to terms with right now at this point in my life.

I just realized that it's probably something that had to do with my father and our past experiences.

As some of you might know, most of you are just learning, I've had an issue with my father for the past 7 or so years. Watching my mother struggle with AND without him, is just too hard to even deal with. So I push it away. I push it so far into the back of my mind, that it just builds into unnecessary anger. The other night my sister had called him, to ask him if he had borrowed a movie and never gave it back. He called back and I made a sarcastic comment that sort of made him upset about it. He kept going on about how he's supposedly making these "life changes" and how he's struggling to get by. He started crying and I just kept laughing the whole time. Why? Because I'm not sympathizing for him. He put me in this place. He left me behind for himself. I've never forgiven him for abandoning me, I don't know if I ever will.

He says its hard to make a living out there. I believe it. Struggling? No. If he'd realize how much money he wasted on alcohol, maybe he'd be in a better situation than he is in now.

I feel sorry for him, I really do. I mean, here's this grown "man" stuck in this place he refuses to get out of. He's dug himself deep, and there's no way of him getting out.

He's never given us a dime. No child support. No Christmas presents, birthday cards.. Nothing.

To be honest, its really hard for me to ever believe a word that comes out of his mouth. I've erased him from my life, and its funny how he can act like it doesn't affect him, when I know it kills him.

I don't know if I can deal with another man like that in my life. That's why its such a big problem for me to trust anyone. I link more towards females, because I've been shown that females CAN be independent, they ARE capable of being phenomenal.

My mother being a prime example. She's so strong for how much she's been through. Never a day goes by does she think of herself before my sister and I. We're her everything. She has to be strong for us. I'm so proud of her for never giving up and always holding on to something she knew would, in the end, get better.

We're struggling. Its not easy, I know its not. I just wish there was more that I could to.

I'm never growing up.