26.

We're all so consumed in our own problems and helplessness.. trying to find an answer for everything. The right answer for everything. There has to be a right way to do the impossible.

Or is there?


Lately I've been consumed.. so caught up in trying to believe in love, when love was trying to catch up with my constant search for that right. Nevertheless.. right never seemed so wrong..
Happiness leaves its footprints and landmarks in places we'd never dream to look.. not even when we're standing in the midst of it.

I take everything for granted.. everything. I don't do it consciously.. I don't do it intentionally.. I just do it. Don't we all? Isn't every situation the exact same? What can I benefit from this ? Isn't that always the question that replays in our mind over and over and over again? It's quite tiring. But it's a bad habit. Trying to create new, healthy habits is too stressful. It takes way too much effort to change.. thus why it's so comfortable to stay the same until we subconsciously change.. until we don't even remember how we got to that point in the first place.
Its all a disgusting cycle.

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It's been forever since I could remember the last time I actually made sense of anything. The other day, I was talking to Nena, she mentioned how it was going to be her 1 year anniversary with Reggie today, April 8, 2007, and I was shocked. Overwhelmed with the fact that it's been a whole entire year already. I could've sworn it had only been months ago she was blabbing about him.. I miss everything about myself back then.. how innocent I was.. how misunderstood.. The littlest things pleased me.. ahh it makes me smile
It seems like every day that passes.. every conversation I have with someone different, I become more and more bitter.. I dig myself deeper into this place I hate to be. I hate everything about myself.. I'm never happy anymore.. I've been so consumed in everything that has made me this way, instead of trying to live past it.. and now I realize I've got to live past it in order to live healthier..

No one can make me as happy as I used to be.. nothing can.. I accept that.. But I know that I can make myself happier than I've ever been. People can enhance that happiness.. but only I can make it a constant happy.. whether or not I have a bad day or not.. overall I'm the only one that can control it..


I've mentioned many times that I'm going to change.. going to make things better for me.. and obviously that hasn't happened. But, I'm trying to change.. and I'm going to.. it's just going to take me time.. and I'm willing to take the time..