34.

When I loved, I loved.


But, when I love now, I lust.


Or maybe I lie.



I could swear up and down I'm ready to be in love, or I'm ready to be in a relationship, but the truth is I don't think I'm completely over him. I thought about him a lot today, and the way he made me feel. I miss that feeling. I don't know what it is about him that takes over my body every time I speak to him, but sometimes I just can't help myself.



He was my best friend, my everything. I'm tired of denying the fact that it wont ever stop not matter how bad I want it to. I don't want to find someone better than him. I don't want to be with someone worse, I just want someone who I'll love the same.. Or possibly more.

I always feel like these people I "fall" for deserve a better chance to get past my walls and fully experience what I'm capable of and what I can offer them, I just can't get it open to that yet.

I'm not over the fact that I can't even catch the attention of my almost 4 year crush. It's inevitable so to say. I wish I could shake the feelings. But obviously its all a game I haven't learned the rules to yet. I'm only a beginning piece.

I feel so wrong for treating people the way I do. I'm all for the whole, "Treat people how you want to be treated." thing.. but sometimes I NEVER abide by it. ;/ I think its just my way of protecting my heart. Mostly my emotions. I think I need to have a discussion with Allen.


In all honesty, I'm not ready to move to the next step in my life, relationship wise of course. I'm still trying to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.. I'm not ready to be a part of someone elses. I'm not ready for that big commitment, and obviously I'm not over my ex. I just need some time to be me. And I can't do that with a humongous weight on my shoulder like that.


Isn't it interesting how fast we can fall out of lust with someone? That moment we're all in tune with one another, just thinking about how great things will be with one another, and then all in a moments time we feel as though things are over just for the mere fact that their one mistake they make, or a fault we can't stand. We take them for granted and don't give them more than we feel like giving. It's safe to stick to your morals and your beliefs, but when we're asked to give it up, we refuse. Even if it's for the better.

It's too risky to take risks.



I think I'm tired of wanting someone I can't have, and that's all I ever want. Perhaps I need to get a better sense of what I need and what I want. Obviously I've got the two all scrambled up.

Or do I?