Nothing.
The person you confide in after something great is gone, has to fight harder and harder to break through those walls. Once they do, whose to say it's actually worth it?
I'm finding myself stuck in this place I've never been before. Everything in me desires to just consume you, take in every breath of you and just love it.
But I can't.
There's so many things stopping us from being US, and you're number one on the list. I want to show you how deep I can love, even if I don't know how far that goes. I'd spend hours just looking at you if I could. Examining the way you just ... be. I'd like to talk to you about nothing, just to waste time with you without worrying about anything at all.
But I can't.
I guess you can say that I'm a little scared to fall for you because the last time that happened, my world fell apart. And little did I know, the pieces wouldn't fall back together for months on end. In my eyes, I gave up on love and almost life itself. There was nothing that made me happy. Everything was so careless and effort less that I just.. gave up. I don't want to do that to you. I don't want to give up on what we've been at for so long. I just want you. After Shavar, I didn't know what to do. To this day, his name still gives me all these mixed emotions. He gave up something great, and I don't want that to happen to you. I did put my all into what he and I had and I learned soon enough that some of it should've been kept for me. He put me through a rollercoaster that I never asked to go on, and in a way I can thank him for that. I'm glad he put me through hell.
I don't know if this is what you want. I don't know if this is what you need. I don't know if I should even try. You want me to just be me, but I don't know how to do that, if you yourself, hold a piece of me. I don't know where to start. I want us both to be happy and satisfied with where we've gotten, but I don't know if I can hang in long enough to see that happen. I'm so discouraged with this whole thing. I feel like there's all kind of flaws that just surround me and you take the time to pick them out, just so you know I'm no good.
I don't know if I can do it anymore. I swear this is how I feel:
Where were you when I said I loved you
And where were you when I cried at night
Waiting up, couldn't sleep without you
Thinking of the times we shared
I remember when my heart broke
I remember when I gave up loving you
My heart couldn't take no more of you
I was sad and lonely
I remember when I walked out
I remember when I screamed I hated you
But somehow deep inside I'm still loving you
I'm so sad and lonely
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